Trapped

I now have three kids and have been married for three years. Sometimes I feel trapped in the life I chose for myself. I love my family. Sometimes I wish that I was single with no real responsibility. It almost feels like regret.
Regret? Dictionary.com defines this word in many ways, the one that seems most applicable is:
3. a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.
Seems simple enough right?
I miss my freedom. In times where I just want to get away, I have to make arrangements and depend on others. I don't want to have to answer to anybody. I am not one to complain because I know I'm blessed but it gets overwhelming. I'm also not one to ask for help because I do not want to give anyone anything to hold over my head.
So where does this leave me? Trapped. Perhaps by my own mindset. Trapped. Perhaps by my environment. Trapped. Perhaps by the expectations of others. Trapped. Because I want to be?

Are congratulations in order???

So I'm 5 months pregnant and intially I wasn't excited. A baby is a LOT of work. I just thought I had more time. As I'm going along and I start feeling the baby move and I get ready to find out the sex I'm getting more excited. One thing that I am really unhappy about is getting behind in school. I don't think I'm going to take any classes this fall. Maybe I'll pick back up in the spring. It scares me because I don't want to take a break and never go back. I also like to think I am a very focused person. It makes me nervous that I won't finish and make my goals. I don't want this baby to hinder me from doing anything. There are still a lot of things I want to do. I can see this baby being the end of my progress.
Then my marriage isn't exactly financially stable and with a baby it'll be even harder to make it be. So much to worry about.
I wish I could see the future.

Ready to get up Out

I live with my mother in law and husband. They share bills. I'm sick of it. Bout to start a family and have made no progress. He has no job. I work part time. He is up their ass all the time. Thinking he just has no rush and all the time in the world. Well excuse me sir, I live in reality. I come home to everything that belongs to someone else. I'm ready to be independent. I must be the only one.

We Are NOT Invincible

So yesterday I found out something crazy about someone I'm close to. It makes me think so much. We really have to be careful in life because we never know what could happen to us when we don't think. Thats why I try to be so careful. The sayin that you only live once. I never really agreed with that. Because to me when people say that it's gives them an excuse to get reckless. We are not invincible.
The person that I'm close to just found out they have HIV.
I was speechless when I heard. When they came home I knew something was wrong because the person didn't say hi when they walked in. Come to find out later that they are in they're room crying.
When I find out, I can't help but think of the stereotypes about people with HIV. I don't want to run away everytime I see this person. But it's hard because I've never dealt with someone like this before and I'm wonderin if I can still treat this person the same.
I suppose nows the time read and educate myself on the subject. Thank goodness that medicine has advanced the way it has. And that people are living better lives. It's still so crazy to me. I'm waiting for someone to say it was all a joke.
I know thats not going to happen.....

Update 1

I actually have something to update on. I got a job at a Hy-Vee near my house. I've been working there for about a month now. Mainly to save up for a car. I am also winding down my first semester of grad school. Lots a papers to complete right now. I also applied for a job at the airport a while back and it's been a endless process. Step1: a background check. Step 2: a computer test over english and object recognition. Step 3: a interview and a isokinetic test Step 4: filling out this long ass government packet and calling them when I'm finished.

This is how far I am in the process. You have to pass every step before you continue on to the next and so far so good. Hopefully with all this work I get the job. It pays better than Hy-Vee. Also recently my fiance' lost his job.

Traveling the World

Contrary to popular belief. I REALLY want to travel. I always have. At some point in my life I seriously want to go all around the world. I just have to get financially stable first. I want to go back to London among other places. I don't think people truly know how much and how appealing traveling is to me. Once I've been married for a little bit, before I have kids, I wanna travel maybe with some friends or whoever. I might even go by myself. Thats how serious I am. Just a random note.

Mushy Stuff 2

It is rare that I actually feel inspired to write with all my emotions. This is one of those times. I love my fiancee so much. I've reached a point where its become comfortable and I feel that I am working on the things I need to change. Everyday I'm more sure of how much I love and want to spend my life with this man. That being said, I feel guilty at times because I want to take him away from his family. I know his family will always be around, I guess I'm just ready for it to be about us. I know that would entail me taking more responsibility in the relationship. That is something I am willing to do. Although I feel I'm not truly prepared. When I'm actually put in the situation, I think that I will flourish. I am ready to ultimately be a wife. I feel I'm more mentally prepared than anything. I just have to get actions in sync with the mental.