It's that time again....

Well I'm back. Did you miss me? Once again I feel I haven't wrote in a while so I decided to grace you with my presence yet again. Amazingly, not a lot has been goin on since I last wrote. My first semester of my sophomore year is almost over and I must say I coulda done better I failed 2 classes that are required for my major and I must supercede them in the spring. Good stuff! Christmas break is approaching and I am more happy to get the well deserved break. Everythings been getting on my nerves especially my roommate. It's like everythig she does makes me mad. Lets not go into details. I can't wait until Christmas the season and the whole atmosphere of it makes me usually happy and it's not just about the presents. Also my birthday is comin up on December the 27th and I will be the big 2-0. I'm gettin at that age when I NEED to be more independant. I want my own apartment, car, etc. even though I know it will be a while before I get those things I can't help but wish. My familys good as theyll ever be I guess. The sis is still MIA at home and it's the same thing. Speaking of family I want to discuss my grandma in particular. Now the situation is as I'm sure I've said, she's has taken care of me and my sister since I was little after my mom died until I was 12. She had a stroke and was paralyzed on her left side and couldn't care for us anymore so now she's in home. As you can probably tell my grandma was a big part of my life and you would assume I try to keep in contact with her whenever I can but no. I feel somewhat guilty for this but it's hard. I love my grandmother to death but honestly (this might sound wrong) I feel she's not a part of my life anymore and I've grown up. I feel like she wants to keep in contact because we are all she really had in life and now we're gone. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do. And it seems I don't make an effort to visit anyone, anymore my sister or my grandma. It's almost as if, if your out of the place that I live at that current time your out of my life. It's crazy. Thats all I have to say about that but on lighter note I want to discuss the boyfriend now. We've been together for going on a year and 4 months and we are no longer in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. I mean there is still love and romance there but we are not the same as we were in the beginning. We are recognizing and evaluting the issues in our relationship. He wants me to move in with him and I want to too but I don't think my family would approve and I don't want to leave them on bad terms. Theres also the possibility, although we don't plan on it, that we might break up and then what, I have to move back in with the people that will have resentment towards me ( though they won't show it) for leaving. I just don't know about all that. We'll see what happens. So I think that sums everything up for now. Either you wont see me for another few months or I'll write within this week.

What Happenin'

Well once again it's been a while since I wrote. Where to start...... School. My second semester of college is over and sadly I didn't get the 3.0 but it's ok because there's gon be next year. Over the summer I worked for my school in a program called Challenge U. It helps kids in grades 8-12 want to go to college and see what college is like. My job was a youth leader. I was assigned between 2-4 kids to kind of be their mentor and lead and teach them about college life. It was an okay experience but the better experience was the 1,300 check I got. My major at Northwest Missouri State University is Veterinary Med. and as I look at the course load I have to take to graduate I start second guessing if this is really the career path I want to take. It's not that I don't think I can do it, it's just that I'm not sure I want to do all the work but what are my other options? Next, the boyfriend he's been doing pretty good for himself . Got a job and a car. It's going on a year on the 28th and I'm still happy yet I can't help but wonder is this too good to be true.... I'll be going off to school on the 26 and this time he's not coming with me. All the normal questions arise... Will the long distance thing work? Do I want to try? Is it worth it? I guess only time will tell. We're both hoping for the best. Now, my sister she's still MIA at home but she lives with her friend Lisa. She is a lesbian. Yet, I don't see her this way she is still the same sister I knew before I went to college. Our relationship has obviously changed and I'm realizing maybe I'm not as close to her as I should have been in the beginning. I have to take it in stride though and try to do my best with how we are right now. I feel/know she's not happy with life right know even though she's not in the home. It seems she doesn't have any peace in life. My family and friend seem pretty good. I'm tryin to hang with them before I go back to school on saturday. I can't wait to leave so I can be free. My curfew at home is 1:00am. This is starting to become a real nuisance! None, and I mean none of my friends have curfews. So you can imagine how I look spoiling everyone's fun because I have to be in at a certain time. I'm about to be 20 yrs old (no longer a teenager) and I'm in college where I have no parents I'm in control of me yet i still have a curfew. It's ridiculous. While we're on the subject of parentals my boyfriend and I are talking about moving in together next summer and I guess we'll see how they take that. On another note, I feel like I'm learning so much in life and that I'm maturing but I haven't taken the time to sit and think about things and situations to really discover the value of them. Too many times I feel like people just live life on the surface and don't take the time to think about and evaluate things. Those people I believe are truely missing out on life.

Situations will arise

It's been a while since I last wrote. Man a lot of things have been going on first there's school it's going fine 1st Semester I got a 3.0. I'm struggling to do the same this semester. Then there's the boyfriend, we're goin on 7 months and I'm still learning to trust someone other than myself. Then there's now I'm home for spring break. Lately since I've been gone my sister has been having problems hating it at the house I can't blame her we had to move from my grandmas to my aunt and uncle's with their 4 kids. She's been running away. She came back for a while only to find yesterday she left and hasn't returned and no one knows where she is. I know she's with friends and she's fine wherever she is but I want her to understand she needs to come home.Now, it's my time to play the big sister role (which is a role I refuse to quit or fail) only hoping that I have enough influence on her to help. I'm worried about her lifestlye choices and whats going on in her head. Her behavior is so contrary to when I left for college. When I left she was quiet. Now I hear she's talking back not doin as well in school and running away. I guess this works in 2 ways 1. It's a test of my faith. I feel that in a time where I've slid back from God this is a situation in which he forces me to acknowledge him once again. and I am obliged 2. This is a test of relationships. My sister and I. My sister and my family. Well thats a lot to think about.

Mirror

Man life is crazy!! I'm up in college tryin to find myself and figure out who I am and I'm realizing more and more whats for me and whats not and whats in God's plan for me. I've still got a lot of growing up to do and at least now I can say I'm on my way. I have to start looking and thinking about things differently now!! Pretty soon I'll be in the real world wit no one to depend on but myself. I've also noticed that I have to be more bold about my feelings I'm so used to keepin it in and dealin with it myself but that only hurts me in the long run. I have to let my past be my past, learn from it but don't dwell on it. I have to let things go. I have to be strong for me because no one else is gonna be. I need to have what I need to survive in this life.

Labor Day

I just got out of class. I went home for Labor Day and to my suprise it was kinda boring. I actually wanted to go back before monday. I kicked it wit my homies. You know who you are ;) that was fun but that was all I did. I got my last check from Chucke Cheese it was about 167 dollas which is all goin towards my phone bills until I get a job up here. I'm not gon be home again until thanksgiving. I'm kinda hungry but I'ma wait until my boy gets out of class so we can go together. I should be doin some homework but I dont feel like it. I really need to get on top of things cuz I got scholarships and money on the line.Also my Aunty told me that she thinks my mom went to this college but left because she got pregnant with me so I feel pressured to really be good ya feel me.I have nothin else to say so ill holla

College Here I Am

Well it looks like I've finally made it to college. I came up to Northwest on thursday wit my aunt and uncle to move in it was about a hour drive and all I know is it was hotter than a mo fo outside and it doesnt help that my dorm doesnt have air conditioning. I didnt have time to think about the heat wit all the running around I had to do. I had to check in, get my ID pic, get my room key, mailbox key, and fob key. I had to get a meningitis shot before I could live in the dorms but luckily it cost 95$ so my aunt was like we'll wait til you come down for labor day. Its been mostly rainy since I've been here. We've started classes today and suprisingly I didnt get lost. I had 3 classes that started and 8:00am and ended at 11:50 am. My classes tomorrow dont start til 11:00am I think. Also the dorms are co-ed by floor and we can have them in our rooms until a certrain time or we/they could spend the night but not more than 3 times in a row or this is called cohabitation and you could get documented for it. My boyfriend is tryin to get me to meet new people but I'm kinda shy and dont wanna take the effort. I know I'll make it though.

Road Trip?

Im back again tryin this out.
Today so far has been pretty boring. Im tryin to get some college stuff figured out. I dont think the reality that Im leavin has hit me yet. My friend Shenell just told me about this road trip to North Carolina( to see one of her family members) that her and a couple homies were planning. I want to go but school starts August 28 and they tryin to leavin Sept. 4 and be gone 5 days so we'll be back on the 10th or the 11th. There is also this problem of my parental units giving me permission to go cuz see im 18 but they still feel they should tell me what to do. I'm not goin to have anyone tellin me what to do when I go off to college so might as well get used to it now. So anyways I emailed one of my advisors about if I could start a semester later or just leave and come back. she hasn't emailed me back yet so I'll see what happens.