Commonality

Lately, I've been thinking that I wish my husband and I had more in common. It seems like whatever I want to do he's not down for and vice versa. I mean I guess he's a typical guy he likes sports..(drawing a blank)...oh he likes to stay home (which you think would be a good thing), he's more of a morning person and if there is anything else it escapes me.
I despise all forms of sports (Unfortunately it's football season). I like watching movies.  I don't mind staying home every now and then but would occasionally like to go out to eat or to a movie hang with friends etc. I am definitely a night person (it's 11:47pm he's snoring and I'm well...).
I am off every other weekend at my job. This off weekend consisted of taking care of the kids and watching Law and Order on Netflix. I like Law and Order. Early Saturday the husband said we should watch a movie (I guess he gets credit for trying). We go though the day 9pm comes around I'm like let's watch the movie. His response, it's too late but we proceed to have a Law and Order marathon because apparently that's the compromise.
It makes me sad to think that we are too opposite. I suggested going to a comedy show because I had an unplanned day off coming up and he proceeds to tell me about things we need for the kids. Well I guess we can't afford it. Such a downer!!!
It's like I want us to spend time together inside and outside the house but it seems we can not find a happy medium. We end up unhappily tolerating what the other wants. Or at least I do.

No kids?!

I've always said I never wanted kids and lately I been feeling that way again. The nonstop neediness. I wish it was just me. Sometimes my husband. Am I a horrible person?
I can't help but think how much extra money I would have (1030 for daycare a month and that's not even full price). Not to mention the things I could do with that money.
Coming and going as I please is no longer an option. Someone always comes before me. I dislike having to save up to do the things I want to do. Essentially I guess I just miss my freedom before kids.  It's like between working full time and the kids I have no time for me. But I guess that's part of being an adult. Ideally I would like to have time to work and spend time with my kids but I feel like that's all I do. Working I feel just makes me more impatient with my kids. Working pays bills, kids become bills, you have to take care of the kids. It's a revolving door.
I love my kids and wouldn't return them at all but sometimes it gets to be a little much.
.

1+2=3

It appears that I forgot to mention that I have 3 kids now. Last you heard I was pregnant with my oldest daughter.  Well I have Boy/Girl Twins that I had 10/14/13. They are 1 now and doing wonderful. Dealing with twins is difficult but rewarding and I wouldn't be as sane as I am without my husband being very involved. It is so interesting to see all my kids different personalities. The boy twin (BT) is more laid back and calm but he is becoming more vocal and laughing more. The girl twin (GT) is more out going, assertive, and emotional. Both twins seem pretty smart and you can tell they are learning. One of the daycare teachers said that GT is "smart, sometimes too smart." I'll take that as a compliment. My oldest daughter (OD) is 3, she is pretty outgoing and a little dramatic. She's always jumping, climbing, or looking to do the next thing. She is seems pretty smart as well. She notices more than I realize. I'm seriously thinking about putting her in gymnastics or dance classes.


I never thought that I would have kids so soon. I was 23 when I had OD. I used to always say that I didn't want kids but what I think I really meant was that I didn't want kids at that time in my life. Sometimes I wish I didn't have kids but I think that after a while I would feel like something was missing. I didn't realize the random joy and fulfillment kids bring on a day to day basis. If I didn't have kids I think I would be just looking for the next exciting or new thing. I think that kids fill that void and so much more. I am so glad that my friends have kids not only so that my kids have someone to play with but so that my friends can experience the joy I feel everyday with my kids.

I'm the Grinch!

At work right now in a somewhat jolly mood so thought I'd write a little something. So Christmas is over and it was great. One of my favorite holidays. The kids got a lot of gifts from me and other family members. I'm blessed. On the holidays my husband, the kids, and I usually visit his Mother and my Aunty. Last year at my Aunts we drew names for Secret Santa's and everyone made a list of three things that they wanted and put a 25 dollar limit. Everyone exchanged gifts. I felt as if my person was satisfied with my gift but I feel like I could of given something better. When asked if we want to do Secret Santa again my husband and I said no. My Uncle felt as if we were being a Grinch to not want to give gifts for a mere limit of 25 dollars.


>>I feel as if I do not know some of my aunts and uncles I see JUST on holidays enough to get a thoughtful gift regardless of what they put on the list. I enjoy Christmas and don't just give gifts out of obligation. I try to give out of love.
>The response to that was to get a gift card. And that having one person to give to saves money.
>>No one wants a gift card every year. And to me that says that you did not think enough about the person to get a thoughtful gift. Even though there are certain occasions when gift cards are okay. I think gift cards should be used in collaboration with another gift. Also you do not know everyone's financial situation to assume they should be able to give.  If I didn't get anything for Christmas and the kids got everything. I'd be fine.


I did not argue because it is pointless to do so because nothing I say will change anyone's mind. I think that Christmas is mainly about the kids anyway. If they want to do Secret Santa they can. I also feel that because I like to give good gifts I was pressured on what to buy because I really didn't know the person. SO I guess next year everyone will be happy with gift cards. Merry Christmas!


In other news it's my birthday. Excited to turn up! My plans are to drink the night away.

Thanksgiving.Cards gone wild.

Rarely do I find the time and energy to spill out all my emotions in a blog. But it's been asked of me to write a few words.

I actually had Thanksgiving and Black Friday off. So I spent that time to with my family (meaning my husband and kids). I work nights during the weekend from 10pm to 8 am. So needless to say that when my family is at home I am sleep preparing to work that night. I am off 3 days during the week. After the kids and hubby get home from daycare and work I only have a few hours to spend with them before they have to go to bed early to wake up the next day and do it all again.  

Which brings me back to having Thanksgiving off and Black Friday off. It was great to actually be able to play and spend time with the husband and kids for a change. I was not aware how much I really missed being with them, especially my husband. Getting into the routine of things sometimes makes me feel like family is chore but having that time makes me realize that it is more than that and to be grateful. 

It just made me think of the fact that I married my husband for a reason. I actually like him! Lol. We used to try to have date nights once a month and we did for a few months but now it is not really in the budget too much anymore. He says that he misses me and quiet as it's kept I miss him too. He wants me to find a job working during the week which I understand. I don't mind working nights that introvert in me loves it actually. I would probably be up anyways. And my job is usually not that stressful. But for the sake of my family I will look for jobs that have better days and hours. 

Also, I believe that I've discovered that I do not want to work in my field. I do not believe that I have the personality to be a successful therapist and I have found that I do not like the structure of the field. Honestly, at this point it I feel like it's too late and expensive to go back to school. I often say that I want to find a job that I like and I believe that I can . I like working with people with disabilities. I recently had an appointment with a temp service to see if they could help me find some jobs. They haven't told me anything yet.

My favorite holiday Christmas is coming up. I just love the atmosphere, the music, and the warm feelings I get. I actually like getting presents for others when I am able. I recently decided to get a credit card. Apparently I have a pretty good credit score (Who knew?)and received a limit in the thousands. I originally wanted to use this card for necessities mainly gas and groceries. I have used the card for that but also Christmas presents. My family (aunts, uncles, and cousins) have a secret Santa person to get gifts for this year and everyone will get gifts for the kids. Currently my credit card balance is at around 500. Of course I will pay what I owe but I do not want continue to have a balance on the card. I do not like the idea of a credit card and I have been against getting one for a long time but I thought that it would be helpful in emergency situations and such. I have not received the first bill yet so we will see. 

Trapped

I now have three kids and have been married for three years. Sometimes I feel trapped in the life I chose for myself. I love my family. Sometimes I wish that I was single with no real responsibility. It almost feels like regret.
Regret? Dictionary.com defines this word in many ways, the one that seems most applicable is:
3. a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.
Seems simple enough right?
I miss my freedom. In times where I just want to get away, I have to make arrangements and depend on others. I don't want to have to answer to anybody. I am not one to complain because I know I'm blessed but it gets overwhelming. I'm also not one to ask for help because I do not want to give anyone anything to hold over my head.
So where does this leave me? Trapped. Perhaps by my own mindset. Trapped. Perhaps by my environment. Trapped. Perhaps by the expectations of others. Trapped. Because I want to be?

Are congratulations in order???

So I'm 5 months pregnant and intially I wasn't excited. A baby is a LOT of work. I just thought I had more time. As I'm going along and I start feeling the baby move and I get ready to find out the sex I'm getting more excited. One thing that I am really unhappy about is getting behind in school. I don't think I'm going to take any classes this fall. Maybe I'll pick back up in the spring. It scares me because I don't want to take a break and never go back. I also like to think I am a very focused person. It makes me nervous that I won't finish and make my goals. I don't want this baby to hinder me from doing anything. There are still a lot of things I want to do. I can see this baby being the end of my progress.
Then my marriage isn't exactly financially stable and with a baby it'll be even harder to make it be. So much to worry about.
I wish I could see the future.

Ready to get up Out

I live with my mother in law and husband. They share bills. I'm sick of it. Bout to start a family and have made no progress. He has no job. I work part time. He is up their ass all the time. Thinking he just has no rush and all the time in the world. Well excuse me sir, I live in reality. I come home to everything that belongs to someone else. I'm ready to be independent. I must be the only one.

We Are NOT Invincible

So yesterday I found out something crazy about someone I'm close to. It makes me think so much. We really have to be careful in life because we never know what could happen to us when we don't think. Thats why I try to be so careful. The sayin that you only live once. I never really agreed with that. Because to me when people say that it's gives them an excuse to get reckless. We are not invincible.
The person that I'm close to just found out they have HIV.
I was speechless when I heard. When they came home I knew something was wrong because the person didn't say hi when they walked in. Come to find out later that they are in they're room crying.
When I find out, I can't help but think of the stereotypes about people with HIV. I don't want to run away everytime I see this person. But it's hard because I've never dealt with someone like this before and I'm wonderin if I can still treat this person the same.
I suppose nows the time read and educate myself on the subject. Thank goodness that medicine has advanced the way it has. And that people are living better lives. It's still so crazy to me. I'm waiting for someone to say it was all a joke.
I know thats not going to happen.....

Update 1

I actually have something to update on. I got a job at a Hy-Vee near my house. I've been working there for about a month now. Mainly to save up for a car. I am also winding down my first semester of grad school. Lots a papers to complete right now. I also applied for a job at the airport a while back and it's been a endless process. Step1: a background check. Step 2: a computer test over english and object recognition. Step 3: a interview and a isokinetic test Step 4: filling out this long ass government packet and calling them when I'm finished.

This is how far I am in the process. You have to pass every step before you continue on to the next and so far so good. Hopefully with all this work I get the job. It pays better than Hy-Vee. Also recently my fiance' lost his job.

Traveling the World

Contrary to popular belief. I REALLY want to travel. I always have. At some point in my life I seriously want to go all around the world. I just have to get financially stable first. I want to go back to London among other places. I don't think people truly know how much and how appealing traveling is to me. Once I've been married for a little bit, before I have kids, I wanna travel maybe with some friends or whoever. I might even go by myself. Thats how serious I am. Just a random note.

Mushy Stuff 2

It is rare that I actually feel inspired to write with all my emotions. This is one of those times. I love my fiancee so much. I've reached a point where its become comfortable and I feel that I am working on the things I need to change. Everyday I'm more sure of how much I love and want to spend my life with this man. That being said, I feel guilty at times because I want to take him away from his family. I know his family will always be around, I guess I'm just ready for it to be about us. I know that would entail me taking more responsibility in the relationship. That is something I am willing to do. Although I feel I'm not truly prepared. When I'm actually put in the situation, I think that I will flourish. I am ready to ultimately be a wife. I feel I'm more mentally prepared than anything. I just have to get actions in sync with the mental.

Bucket List: Draft 1

I was watching a youtube video and it inspired me to make my bucket list. This will be a prelimary short version as I have not thought it through all the way. I just wanted to get a couple ideas down. Well here goes.
1. Go to Michael Jackson's grave
2. Meet Denzel Washington

Music Monday

Love Lyfe he always has substance to his music and a good message.

Happy 100th to me!!

This is my 100th post by the way. I feel like a lot has developed but at the same time nothing at all since my last post. Well I managed to get a job interview at a bank and I took a test for another job for the state of Missouri. This is good but the return hasn't been nearly as great as the amount of jobs I applied for. Still I'm thankful for the interview.
In relationship news there have been talks of getting an apartment, saving for a wedding, and allocation of bills. Most of which have caused a series of arguments. The resulting conclusion I have made is that when it comes down to going the extra mile its gonna be up to me because it seems I can't depend on my other half....and that bothers me. Enough said.
I'm ready to get things moving in my life at a ...perhaps more accelerated pace. As soon as I get a job I'll be able to have a better outlook on how to move forward.

Growth

I feel I am growing as a individual. I am learning things about myself and how to change them. I am learning from the people in my life. I'm thankful for the people in my life. I feel like I am truly growing into an adult. I am learning how to forgive. Some things that in the past that have kept me from seeing the impact certain people have made in my life are no longer issues. From my fiancee' I'm learning to be selfless instead of selfish. The thing I really love about him is how it seems like he gives wholeheartedly. It almost amazes me. Truly. It seems like he always puts others before himself. This is something I have yet to master. I need to learn to be concerned for others more than myself. From him I am also learning how to love someone else. From him I am learning the importance of family. I'm learning forgiveness. For example it's father's day and my father has not been around since I was younger. I'm not at the point where I can totally forgive him but I feel like I am starting to not use it as a source of anger or of not caring. I'm starting to look at things from a different angle. It's a continual process. Growth.

Checklist

Well I'm happy to say I can check one thing off my checklist for grad school (mentioned in the previous blog)
1. License-complete
2. Car
3. Job
4. Grad School

Life (Caution: May be boring)

Being the self proclaimed insomniatic that I am and having not written a blog in a while here goes.
I am currently in summer school for my final semester as a undergrad. I graduate July 29th and I must say I'm excited. Another thing that I'm excited about is being accepted into graduate school at Avila University. There I plan to get my masters in Counseling Psychology and become a Licensed Professional Counselor. But in the meantime, I have a few things to get done: 1. Get my license this month 2. Get a car 3. Get a job (to pay for grad school) 4. Attend grad school. I am on a time limit because I want to have goals 1-3 done before grad school starts at the end of August.
On to other things. The fiance' and I are good. Still need to set a date for the wedding and what not. The fam keeps saying we need to set a date and start getting stuff together. What I'm concerned with is the money. Nothings free. My fiance' has bills he's paying loans, phone bill, car note, and other stuff. He can't really afford to move out. When I wanted to discuss ways he could save money and setting a date. He got all mad talkin bout he dont want me telling him what to do with his money. That was not my intent. I really just want us to start somewhere. I will contribute when I get a job. He acts like he can't start by his self. It frustrates me because I think that he is being kind of prideful. If I was the only one with income I would start saving for OUR future. I don't understand his issue. We've been engaged for a little over a year and have nothing accomplished not even a date set.

Music Monday

Good song

Would you rather date a lot of different people, or be in a committed relationship?

Definitely be in a committed relationship.

Ask me anything